Taking a break in between work today I looked at my calendar and realized that it’s May 30th already.  More than just being a couple of days away from June and the fact that this year is already whizzing by us, I realized that it’s been exactly four years and one month since a person very special to me passed away.  I’ve recently started reading the book The Defining Decade (thanks to Vasili’s mom who thoughtfully gave it to us per a coworker’s recommendation!), which is all about how the twentysomethingyears are the most consequential years in a person’s life and the years in which you will meet people and experience events that will ultimately be the most important and influential for decades to come.  I guess I mention that I’m now reading this book because thinking back to my friend.. though I rarely talk about that time or about him (and even now, opening this part of my heart is a little nerve racking for me), I realize that he was one of those life-changing people for me.

Years ago I met a guy named Matt Lash at a law school mixer in the city at a bar called Sauce.  I know what you’re thinking.. You were in law school??  ha no, although I contemplated it many times, I never actually went to law school.  What I did like to do though was go to law school mixers with a good friend in hopes of meeting some cute soon-to-be lawyers  😉  One Friday night we went out to one of these mixers at a bar called Sauce in Lakeview I had no idea that my life would be forever changed.  All gussied up, we arrived at Sauce and got some drinks, scanning the room.. a guy with a bald head and a big smile walked up to me and we started talking.  Although he wasn’t really my type, at all, I remember thinking there was just something that made me keep wanting to talk to him..  So a few drinks later and him, his friend, my friend and I were all sitting around a table laughing our asses off as they told us funny stories about their law internships with various sports teams and big NYC firms.  After last call and the bar started to close down, we said good bye and despite asking for my number, I really didn’t think he was going to call me until a few days later when I was in the kitchen making crab and alfredo lasagna and my phone rang.

“Hello?” 

“Hey! It’s Matt. Sorry I didn’t call sooner, I actually have been away on a guy’s trip to Michigan and I just got cell phone service for the first time while out here.  I can’t stop thinking about you.” 

🙂

We talked for what felt like forever and then at the end of the call he said, “So there’s something I need to tell you.” 

Oh great.

“It’s not something I normally tell people right away but the other night you touched my leg and I pulled away from you..” 

I actually hadn’t even remembered this moment but he continued to tell me how he had a rare form of bone cancer called Ewing’s Sarcoma and that when he was 21 he had to have his leg amputated because of it.

“I completely understand if that’s something you’re not okay with.” 

I said of course that doesn’t bother me and honestly I probably wouldn’t have ever noticed if he hadn’t told me 😉  No truly. I remember times when he wore shorts and it was never something I even thought about or took a second look at.

We continued to date for about 6 months after that and even after just a short amount of time my naive, twentysomethingyearold self was totally infatuated with him.  It felt like something out of a movie.  Which made it all the more heart wrenching when I got a call from him at midnight one day for him to tell me that he couldn’t see me anymore.  Earlier that morning he had gotten a phone call while we were hanging out and abruptly said he needed to go.  He explained later that it was his doctor saying they found another tumor, but this time it was on one of his rib cage bones and that they would need to remove it, along with the bone itself, and begin a more aggressive chemotherapy treatment.  I remember telling him that it was okay, that we’d get through it together.  And all I heard was  silence on the other end.

“We can’t do this together. I can’t see you anymore.” 

I could hear him fighting back tears and I told him I knew he didn’t want this and he didn’t have to worry, I would never leave his side.  But there was no changing his mind.  He told me that he had already made the decision and he couldn’t see me anymore.  That it wasn’t fair of him to keep me all to himself when I could find someone that could live an entire lifetime with me, marry me, have children with me.. I cried for days, I was completely heartbroken.  Matt and I remained friends for a short while afterward until suddenly the phone calls, the emails, all of it just stopped and slowly but surely life moved on.

Eight months later I met Vasili, and a year later Matt passed away.

above: the first night I met Matt at the law school mixer at Sauce.  

I still ache when I think about losing my friend but I’m also incredibly grateful to him for all of the things and lessons that he was able to leave with me for the rest of my lifetime.  And most importantly of all I have Matt and his selflessness to thank for the best thing that has ever happened to me and that was finding my best friend and an even greater love.. Vasili 🙂

Anyway, I’m not sure why today I chose to share this part of me but thank you for letting me.  And in honor of Matt’s memory today I’d like to also share with you the last blog post that he wrote before his passing.  Never forget to tell those around you that you love them, because truly our time here is far too short.

We’re at our worst when it comes to finals time, where our focus shifts, and priorities in life jumble together with the immediate fear of failure.  We hear it in the distant background from our boyfriend/girlfriend while we’re hyper-focused on the impending doom from our Civ Pro exam.  We’re just too damn busy to actually hear and pay notice to those words from our loved ones.  I’m not saying a good study ethic, hard work, and a strong focus in law is bad.  But like heroin, hookers, and healthy eating, hyper-focus requires moderation and a heavy consideration of the bigger picture.  And saying, hearing, and meaning the phrase “I love you” is much more important in the bigger picture.  Here’s one example why.

Louie was set to be a major league baseball pitcher.  His father, a giant in stature with a deep voice and kind heart, always talked about how Louie’s screwball would take the league. Louie had an advantage over the others from the day he was born.  He broke his collarbone during birth, turning his hands facing slightly away from his body instead of facing towards, like most others.  During his childhood, Louie’s parents worked with him to solve any situations caused by his birth situation.  He was also born with a slightly enlarged heart and other minor difficulties.  But regardless the complications, Louie led a mostly normal to above normal lifestyle as a kid.  Obviously, he played baseball, was a good student, had hundreds of friends, was always running around.  His complications became solvable situations, and some to his advantage.  Like I said, the fact that his hands were turned out gave him an advantage on the ball-field, since his hands were crafted for the elusive pitch that was set to send him to the big leagues.

On an average morning, on an average day, Louie’s mother went to wake him up, as she’s done for years.  Unfortunately, Louie, didn’t wake up to his mother’s call, nor his mother’s grasps, nor his mother’s cries.  The doctors said that his enlarged heart may have pinched on an artery during his sleep, causing him to pass away sometime during the night.  His heart may have been just too big for this world to hold.  Louie’s professional baseball career ended before it actually started.  He was 13.

There’s not a day that goes by where we say “I love you” to our parents and girlfriends without really thinking about what it means, and how the phrase matters.  We take love for granted, and hardly take the time to explain to another that they appreciate them for how they’ve affected our lives.  We just went through our finals, most of us put our boyfriends/girlfriends through hell as we tried to fight for our sanity while cramming in as much of the “bundles of sticks” of Property Law as we could.  They may have said they love us, they may have tried to kiss us, and we probably returned with evil looks or smelly bodies (I hardly shower during finals week).  But finals time, like the holidays, like EVERY day, should be a time where we try our hardest not to take for granted the love that we receive.  I’m just as guilty, if not more, than the rest of us.  So, being that I have a public forum:

I love you mom and dad, for every waking hour you sat with me as I went from hospital bed to surgery, back to hospital bed and back to surgery.  For every tear you may have held back in-front of me, your little boy, so I would reflect your strength through some of the hardest times.  And even for the times where we disagree, you allowed me to do that and know that I am free to do so.

I love you, brother, for your bull-headish unwavering protection over me.  For giving me the comfort in knowing that whatever I’d need, you’d get it for me if I asked. Even for the times that you kicked my ass when I was younger, for you taught me both to stand up for myself, and also to duck faster than the person throwing the punch.

I love you, friends and family, for being my friends and thus my family.  There’s never enough words to prove that I love and appreciate you, other than me saying that I love you and appreciate you!  True friends emote true feelings and create true memories, and once you realize the value of true memories and true feelings, you’ll understand the need to thank your friends.     

Now it’s your turn.  Call mommy and say thank you.  Tell her you love her.  Call dad and tell him you appreciate him and his sacrifices.  Hug your cat.  Kiss your friends (leave out the tongue).  Do what you need to do to show them they are appreciated and loved.  No one ever knows the time when we’ll leave this place, and none of us have the opportunity to change death.  What we can do, is change the LIFE of others by the words and the emotions we give to them.  Do that.  Give your love, respect, admiration, and appreciation to those only you know deserve it.    

And though I didn’t know you all that well….

I love you Louie.