When I got pregnant with my first child I had been working as a photographer for about 9 years. And I had photographed enough home births to know that for sure, that was going to be my birth story too!

I envisioned having all of my friends and midwives around me, feeding me fruit and coconut water as I gloriously birthed my baby in a water tub and then crawled into bed to snuggle and breastfeed after. What ended up happening was a far cry from that vision.

My water broke at about 6:00am one morning and for the next 48 hours I was in agonizing pain as I struggled through contractions. I’ll never forget the moment where my midwife first checked me after being in labor for over 24 hours. You’re 4 cm!

WAIT 4 CM?!

Eventually I got to 9.5 cm and pushed for about 8 hours as I unsuccessfully tried to get my daughter past a stubborn cervical lip. My water had been broken for so long and I felt empty, exhausted and frankly, embarrassed at how much I pooped in front of everyone. I transferred to the nearest hospital and ended up having a c-section where my epidural didn’t work and I felt the entire surgery. It was hell. And I felt like a failure.

Fast forward 3 years later when we found out we were pregnant with our second child, I was elated and then quickly came crashing down into anxiety as the realization hit me that being pregnant meant I would have to give birth again.

After a lot of research, I found the most amazing OB this time who made it clear that she was really supportive of whatever I wished to do – whether that was a VBAC or a scheduled c-section (side note, if you are looking for a provider because you are scared or worried about past birth trauma, I highly recommend starting with creating a list of whoever is in your insurance network in your area. Google them and look up reviews. Cross off anyone who has red flag reviews. Then call up the offices of those who seem like a possible good fit, ask them to make an appointment to speak with the doctor and ask questions to see if they are a good fit. If the office doesn’t let you do that or doesn’t have any openings for that, cross them off and move on).

Though our OB was super supportive of whatever choice we made, honestly, it didn’t take long for me to realize that I really wanted the scheduled c-section. And yet I felt SO.GUILTY for that choice.

It’s so wonderful that women have become so much more empowered to give birth the way that they want, but I also think there’s been a huge shift where we are all feel so dang guilty and beat ourselves up when we choose to or have to go a route that’s not ‘natural.’ Like we’re somehow failing as women or we’re not as much of a mother because we didn’t do things ‘naturally.’ And that is so funny to even hear myself say because for so long I was riding high on that natural train, but in the moment where I was faced with decided how to give birth again it just felt so so right for our family to choose the scheduled c-section. My husband and I were wrecked after the last birth and we needed a chance at stability and peace this time around. And somehow, we got that.

We made it all the way up to our scheduled c-section date… I got my nails, brows and hair done the week before. I even got a bikini wax a couple days before hand to avoid the hospital shaving me with their god-awful 2 blade razor. We had a friend come over the day before to take pictures of my husband, daughter and I to celebrate our very last day together just the three of us. And my daughter spent the rest of that last day and night at my mom’s place while my husband and I had the most wonderful celebratory date night at our favorite sushi spot.

The next morning we went in for our c-section and I was a nervous wreck, but the nurses and my doctor and the anesthesiologist and my husband… they all rallied around me and rubbed my back and held me while I cried and assured me I would be okay. It wasn’t the dreamy home birth I once imagined but it was a room of people who I felt their love and support and though in an operating room, it was magical and full of joy and I could not be happier with the experience that we had.

And best of all, my husband surprised me with a video of that first day with our little girl. I hope if you’re reading this because you’re not sure about having to get a c-section, or you want to choose one this time and feel guilty… that this helps you to feel comfort and excitement knowing that even c-section births can be beautiful too.